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J's song   
10:16pm 18/11/2003
  "I Want To Save You" --Something Corporate

Standing on the edge of morning
Scent of sex and New Found Glory
Playing as she's pulling back her hair
She drives away she's feeling worthless
Used again but nothings different
She'd stay the night but knows he doesn't care

Home by three to deafening quiet
The porch lights off guess they forgot it
She'd cry herself to sleep but she don't dare

And she wants to be a model
She wants to hear she's beautiful
She's beautiful

I want to save you
I want to save you
I need you, save me too
I want to save you

Dressed by dawn and out the door
No lights she memorized the floor
So she could leave without being detected
She works til three it's uniform
She dreams that he'll come by the store
She prays for days when boys mean
she's protected

And she wants someone to see her
She needs to hear she's beautiful
She's beautiful

I want to save you
I want to save you
I need you, save me too
I want to save you

And she won't sleep
She won't sleep at all

I want to save you
I want to save you
I need you, save me too
I want to save you

Let me save you
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to J   
07:14pm 23/04/2003
mood: sad
Inside my skin
There is this space
It twists and turns
It bleeds and aches

Inside my heart
There's an empty room.
It's waiting for lightning;
It's waiting for you

I am wanting, and
I am needing you
Inside the absence of fear

Muscles and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans

My bones call to you
In a separate skin.
I make myself translucent
To let you in, for

I am wanting, and
I am needing you
Inside the absence of fear

There is this hunger
this restlessness inside of me
And it knows that you're no stranger,
You're my gravity

My hands will adore you
Through all darkness, and they will
Lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name

For I am wanting, and
I am needing you
I need you near
Inside the absence of fear.

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I cannot afford to wither   
07:01pm 23/04/2003
mood: crushed
I remember running through the wet grass
And falling a step behind
Both of us never tiring
Desperately Wanting

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray. I'm...feeling so depressed. It's so tangible and THICK and all around me, and I cower, hide my head in the sand and drown in it.

For a while there...I had some upbeat entries...I had some nice, fun things to say. Now...now, I'm dying again.

And melodramatic.

Are we always broken?
1 made Harry faint | Touch Draco's penis
proof and witnesses   
11:43pm 10/04/2003
mood: horny
Makishef: so how about David Thewlis is fugly

me: Got a pic? ^^

Makishef: Ygm. ><;

me: LMAO. he looks like a crack dealer.


me: I know. ;-;
Sev: I would NOT do him.


me: are there any pics yet of him in costume?

Makishef: I don't think so

Makishef: but he's ugly. ;-;

me: lmao. Maybe makeup can help?

Makishef: DEAR GOD I hope so

me: watch, when the movie comes out, you'll be all, "OMFG I LOVE DAVID THEWLIS!!! ::eat him up::"

Makishef: YOU LIE

Makishef: HE IS UGLY

Makishef: I will forever imagine Remus as someone much, much prettier.

Makishef: Or, at the very least, with a much SMALLER NOSE.

me: Nevertheless, I'm saving this conversation. X)

Makishef: FINE, WENCH.

Makishef: YOU DO THAT.

Makishef: HE IS UGLY.
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rent rent rent re-eeeent reeeeeent!   
05:29pm 08/04/2003
mood: happy
Going to see Unsung Larson tonight. Because I am THAT cool. Be jealous when I come back with stories of meeting Jonathan Larson's parents and having sex with Anthony Rapp AND Adam Pascal. Or just with pics for Kirsten. ^__^U

Makishef: ::Wibbles.::
Makishef: >>; If you see any Rogers or Marks, take pictures.
me: >) I shall.
Makishef: Ask them to touch each other. >)
Makishef: >>; I mean.
Makishef: Yeah, take pictures.
me: LMAO. I'll be like, "Can you please have sex? ...for my friend. >.>"
Makishef: Rrrrrrrrofl.
Makishef: "She's dying. Honest. You would be doing a good deed."

But yeah. It's Unsung Larson, and it's just a bunch of people from my college singing HIS songs that HE WROTE while he was HERE. ^_^U The perks of going to Larson's college are numerous and aplenty. I'm SO excited. ::pant:: I've got my little hand-held tape recorder so my bootlegging won't be TOO obvious. >.> I just hate the sound quality of the little thing. But since it's only for me, no worries. :D

Be jealous. All of you.
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09:12pm 05/04/2003
  friend: Nuuu. >.> But I lurve real bubble wrap. ::stomps on it:: ^_^

me:D That would be like...countless hours of amusement for Ken.
Ken: >.> ::does not appreciate the dumb jock cracks::

friend: :D It would! Aww, look, he's pouting. ::hands him a roll of bubble wrap::

Ken: Oh fuck o--..... ::pops one bubble and squeals with glee!!:: :D

Aya: ::walks in--:: O_o...... Ken.. Ken, did you just.. make a girly noise? ]

Ken: :DD ::HAPPINESS!!! popping all da bubbles, doesn't even realize Aya's there::

Aya: o.o;;; ::truly worried now:: <.<.. >.>... ::BITCHSLAP::

Ken: Yay for bubble wr---OW!! ::drops bubble wrap. Glares:: WTF, Aya?!

Aya: -.-;; You didn't even notice me! ::wearing skanky leather pants and a fishnet top; hard to miss::

Ken: ::looking down at the bubble wrap:: .....what'd you say?

Aya: ::grabs Ken's hair, yanks him down so that Ken's at eye-level with a verra sexy tummy covered in mesh:: >.>

Ken: O.O! OW....ooooh.... ::purrr, lift up mess shirt and liiiick his tummy::

Aya: ::purrrrrrrrr, much better. Petpetpetpet Ken's hair::

Ken: ::kissing Aya's tummy....eyes spot the fallen bubble wrap.... reaches inconspicuously for it....::

Aya: ::senses distraction, pouts, pushes Ken away:: -.- No sex for a month.

Ken: o.O ::poppoppop::

Aya: -.- ::stomps off, sulking and muttering about suicide::
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crazy RPers   
07:05pm 05/04/2003
  So....I just got propositioned into playing with a girl whose character was half-cat, half-witch. Yes, this was supposed to be a Harry Potter original character. I just stared in shock at the screen. I wonder, do people realize that they SUCK when they do? Like, when I write something bad or can't get into character, I KNOW it. If my character doesn't get along with someone else's, I can clearly SEE that. Some people just don't have this ability. >.>

But I did have a rather cute RP experience this morning. :D It made me laugh. It's hardly my best ability, and the RPer isn't of the best quality, but the scene itself made me laugh. But the quality... oi. This is what I get when you're not online! ::cling::

Read the cuteness here!Collapse )
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03:13pm 01/04/2003
  It's been...gods, years since I've written a fic of any sort. Sure, I finished that M/R fic this past year, but I haven't really written in a while. But Ken is inspirational. ^_^ So I quickly wrote a wittle angsty!Hidaka ficlet. Enjoy.

Broken (406 words)Collapse )
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04:58pm 30/03/2003
  The darkness was all around as Mark walked through Tompkin's Square Park down towards his bed, random thoughts of jerking off crossing his mind.

He had been shocked earlier when Maureen had told him she often dreamed about the mayor of new york involved in anal sex with a cow , but each to their own, she didn't know about his fantasies involving Roger .

One day he would discuss his feelings with Collins, but not yet, he still hardly believed how aroused he could be by just thinking of Roger masturbating himself with a dildo.

The night air was fresh and he sat down in a quiet location and began to stroke the cheese grader he was carrying with him. Would Roger's chest feel like that to his penis?

What would Roger think of him if he knew how his cock grew hard as he thought of eating huevos rancheros off Roger's beautiful protruding ribcage?

Mark rubbed the cheese grader against his chest whispering Roger's name to himself. He knew he should stop and wait until he got back to his bed but desire overtook him and he came, screaming Roger's name into the night.

Meanwhile, Roger had not been able to sleep and had decided to go out in the night air. Tompkin's Square Park was such a beautiful place at this time of the night. He took a bite of the huevos rancheros he was carrying and leisurely scratched his chest.

He jumped in alarm as he heard a voice in the distance. Was that Mark calling his name. He must be in trouble to shout for him with such desperation. He dropped his huevos rancheros and ran towards the sound of his schnookums's voice.

Roger stumbled through the darkness towards Mark. Panicked thoughts ran through his head. Was his schnookums being attacked by a cow. Was he about to be raped by Benny dressed as the mayor of new york? His heart beat faster and he felt the pulse throbbing in his penis.

Mark, Mark, my schnookums, screamed Roger. It's alright, I'm coming, I'll save you! Mark leaped to his feet in panic, dropping the cheese grader and trying to untangle his trousers from around his ankles. He fell over, his bare protruding ribcage pointing in the air.

Roger! Mark gasped embarrassedly. What are you doing here? Collins said you were in your bed engaged in some jerking off with Maureen.

No, I was alone in my bed with nothing but my dildo for company. I couldn't sleep for thinking how beautiful your protruding ribcage was, and how I would like to stroke my chest against it, and have you kiss my penis, and now I see your protruding ribcage for myself I realise that not even the mayor of new york has a protruding ribcage to compare with yours.

Oh, schnookums, Collins said you felt that way but I never believed him, I thought you loved Maureen.

What! That old cow, I'd rather get involved in anal sex with Benny, a cheese grader and huevos rancheros than dream of jerking off with her, Ooh, the very thought makes my penis curl.

Oh, Mark!

Oh, Roger, my schnookums!

Cue soft music, sounds of jerking off and anal sex, soft focus and fade.........

Create Your Own Slash
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randomly amusing   
07:09pm 29/03/2003
mood: amused
I was in the AOL chatroom "Harry Potter IM RP" and this doofus came in. But...it amused me. Greatly.

OnlineHost: Theunperson3 has entered the room.
Theunperson3: hi guys
Theunperson3: i luv harry
Theunperson3: snuffles come out man i luv you too
Theunperson3: come back home man

Seriously...come back home man? ::dies of laughter:: It shouldn't be that funny. Oh but it is.
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two things:   
10:28pm 21/03/2003
mood: weird and confused :\


While the war is waging on and Saddam's men are totally giving up on him (or so the gov tell us), I'm sitting here feeling like shiiiiit.

I had such a great day yesterday but jealousy ruined it all. I'm jealous of everyone who's having a good day or just a day where they don't want to bash their head against a wall for random reasons and cry their eyes out.

J is off with HIM tonight. But we'll hang out tomorrow for the last time before they go back. I think. :\ Whatever. I've given up caring. It's just not fucking worth it with her. I hate that it still hurts when I know she's not with ME.

M is off with her "new friends" tonight. Her new friends are her college friends who she's met while I'm away in college elsewhere meeting NO ONE. She said she'd call around 1am or so and we could go to Denny's, but... :[ I was really set on doing something ELSE and this pisses me off. Her boyfriend IMed me randomly (which sucks because I don't give out my SNs to anyone like that) and begged me to come out with them. In a moment of anger and social phobia, I declined and told him some other time. I think he might have been offended. I just...don't want to meet him and hate him. Or meet him and be left out. Or meet him and feel uncomfortable. Or meet him and wonder why M's with him. Or meet him and--you get the idea.

I'm completely jealous of M currently.

A and I have been talking a lot lately, which is cool. But...I'm getting scared. I think about having sex with her, making out with her, taking showers with her. ;-; And I've never MET her. But...I think about her all the time. And it worries me, 'cause I will visit her soon and what if...?? My body's so unnatractive and while she says I'm beautiful...what if she sees me naked and freaks out? Or what if I'm too nervous to let her see me naked no matter how much I want her? uuugh. Sex is so overwhelming. I don't want to think about it.

Oh yeah, a third thing.

1 made Harry faint | Touch Draco's penis
there's only so much one can do; the rest is up to you   
05:11pm 13/03/2003
  I don't really know how to express my anger. Not even really into words, so whoever reads this just...must wonder about my true intentions. I'M JEALOUS. How's that for honest? *I* want to have a moment like my friend's. *I* want to be with J and kiss her and melt against her like I'm sure my friend (call her...M) melted against D. Soon, I've have used up all the letters of the alphabet to be mysterious and vague. Hmmph.

I'm just...pissed off. Because, without sounding like an ass, I'm not a horrible person. I think I'm beautiful and I think that I have personality traits that are GOOD. So...why don't *I* have someone? I've never even been on a fucking date. I've been kissed once, but I realize it meant NOTHING to the other person who kissed me, so fuck it all.

Fuck is no longer a strong enough word. It's lost all it's scariness and power.

I'm leaving at about 9am tomorrow, will be home at 11 or so. Don't want to go. At all. Fuck fuck fuck.

:\ I just wish I knew how to SAY it. How to DEAL with it. It, it, it. I'm so fucking vague.
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11:44pm 28/02/2003
  FUCK DEPRESSION! what the hell....?!

I'm just sitting here...and there it is. and i can't stop it. and i just....can't deal with it..

there's something WRONG with me.... :-(
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01:17pm 20/02/2003
mood: sleepy
there's something about her that makes me want to cry
when i talk to her through IM screens

there's a way that she speaks that plagues me with infinite sadness
when she calls once in a month,
once in a while,
once in a never day

there's a piece of my heart that she steals away without knowing it
when she looks into my eyes,
through my soul,
into my deepest secrets,
while i barely know i give them all away
with only a few words a day

it's ridiculous, really,
and i don't like to let myself be so
vulnerable in that way

i hate letting her see me
letting her really see me
because she's the only
one who has
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12:58am 18/02/2003
mood: horny
I want to have sex. Right now. Can someone just...come over to my dormroom and just...take me? I'm willing. Ready. Right here.

Oh crap. I'm on my period. >.>;; Damn it.

So...give me a few days? And then, someone come get me and steal my virginity. Male or female. I mean, male preferably, since I really want my virginity GONE, but females are so much sexier. BOOBIES.

ehem. Please? Sex? Me? NOW?
4 made Harry faint | Touch Draco's penis
FUCK her   
04:28am 10/02/2003
  I can't sleep. Want to know WHY?!

Because my fucking roommate has to have the heat cranked up to 90 fucking degrees and while she sleeps peacefully, I'm sweating and wearing a tube top and rolled up pajama pants. >.>;;! What's wrong with this picture??!

So she just woke up becuase of arthritis pain and when I said I couldn't sleep because of the heat, she was all, "Oh, sorry about the heat -- but anyway, do you know why *I* can't sleep?"



I can't take this. How the fuck am I supposed to get to sleep!?! It's 4:30 in the fucking morning!!!!!!!!!
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rows and rows of deep, dark clouds   
01:00am 01/01/2003
  fuck new year's. i knew it would end like this: me, feeling miserable, staying home and being lonely as hell when I know 2002 is gone and 2003 has just begun. It's the birth of a new year, folks. Do with it what you will. Know that I will forever remain stagnant -- it's my destiny.  
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until now   
07:11pm 05/11/2002
  just realized that the only reason I ever let her kiss me -- let her take my first kiss, that experience, away from me -- was because, outside of my unconditional love, I thought she was going to give the two of them up for me. Ha...because I thought she loved me. In that instant where she wanted to kiss me, I thought she was in love like I was, and I was going to give her everything. I wondered how she'd break the news to them, and if she'd do more than kiss me. I broke in the middle of the first kiss and said, "God, this feels amazing", and now I feel stupid for saying that. Because it never meant a thing to her. And if she wanted to fuck me, or make love to me, or use me in any way...I'd let her.

Because I love her.
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10 cent wings; i'll take two   
01:50am 03/11/2002
  I've come to realize why I RP as much as I do... Because, like the characters I write, I'm always searching for that perfection through sex and violence and love and kisses. I'm forever pondering my weight in the world, my voice in the crowd, and my sensuality in movement. I'm forever doomed to wander alone like them, to keep searching until I find something to grasp onto and root me down from flying away from it all. I'm destined to find meaning through rough sex and hard caresses...through fondling in the dark, panting breaths against my shoulder, and a faceless lover that will leave the next morning, offering no answers on the way out.  
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01:36am 14/10/2002
  another new background, because the other one was fucking up. I like this one better anyway.  
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